Hiding from the inescapable

You think this would be easy. I live in the United States, a relatively safe country for gay people, yet somehow “coming out” is one of the hardest things I could ever do. I do not live in the bible belt; I live in a decently progressive area. Yet somehow, admitting that one thing, that one simple thing, is somehow something I can’t do.

It’s easy being someone who can come out and not be afraid of the consequences that you’re certain you’ll be accepted and loved – yet not everyone has that luxury, for better or worse. Since I’m quite masculine, I can’t imagine my parents, who believe all gay men are promiscuous and effeminate, would believe that I was gay. Growing up, I thought this was true, and I believed many more harmful things. There are many things I wish I could tell my younger self, but then I realize that I would end up in the same place.

I wish it didn’t matter, or I wasn’t associated with the LGBT+ hellish acronym, which has become an eyesore at best and a fatal target at worst. I’m just a man that’s attracted to other men, it’s that simple, yet somehow it manages to get infinitely more complicated. How? I have no idea, and I’ve been asking myself that for over a decade now.

I’m sure there will come a day when I can’t hide anything anymore and that I’ll have to tell them eventually, or they’ll figure it out. I hope that by then, I’ve become independent to the point where it’s not an issue if something bad happens with family. They haven’t been abusive, or anything and they’ve been excellent to me, so I have no reason to mistreat them or anything like that, but it somehow feels as if they knew everything would change.

I don’t want things to change drastically. Sure some things will naturally change, like they’ll stop expecting me to get a girlfriend or eventually a wife. Still, I don’t want anyone to walk on eggshells around me to avoid possibly offending me. Not only is that perpetuating an annoying stereotype, but it also is insulting to me. Do they really think I can’t handle insults? Do they really think I’m so easily offended?

I know these things shouldn’t annoy me, yet for some reason, they do. It’s petty and minor in the grand scheme, but I don’t want people treating me as if I would be offended by the slightest whiff of anything seemingly homophobic. At the end of the day, I’m still a man through and through.

That’s one thing that hasn’t changed.